I was recently at a baptism and have been thinking a bit about something the Deacon said in his sermon. He explained a story he heard from a Sister about how she was praying one night and suddenly heard God’s voice tell her to serve him, and she instantly committed to becoming a Bride of Christ. He used this story to talk about the intimacy between God and believer, and how one should aspire to have a truly close, personal relationship with God, above anything else. And then there’s me. I cannot testify that I have been through a truly credible, personal experience where I have literally heard the words of God, for example, like the Sister’s incident. Raised Catholic, for the first twenty years of my life I was incredibly willing to hear God’s voice, see a miracle, feel something. I never did.
My question is why didn’t I? Why didn’t I, at one time a practicing and quite devout Catholic, have that epiphany, that Ahh moment where everything clicks and I instantly feel the unconditional love of God? I wanted it. I prayed. I felt like I was doing good, being a good person. I believed in Angels and Saints, and the Devil too. I would talk to God before I went to bed. I wasn’t expecting a literal answer in reply but I never felt that connection, that bond that I thought believers were supposed to feel.
Times have changed now; I don’t exactly identify as Catholic anymore. But I’m still more than willing to have some sort of intimate, spiritual connection to some other being not of this dimension. For right now, the most I can say is that I’m spiritual, and believe the validity and see truths in various religions and beliefs. That being said, I have recently felt compelled to learn more of my tribe’s spiritual teachings and ideals. Doing so has been beautiful, and I will cherish some of the personal discoveries I have made so far in engaging in these rites.
Yet I still haven’t had a moment where I felt a connection to something other than myself, if that makes sense. While praying, I haven’t felt that effervescent state of oneness, of love, the one believers feel with powers higher than they. Millions of people around the globe can attest to the authenticity of their relationship to their respective Gods/Goddesses/religious ideologies. Why can’t I? I am truly open to this state of being; yet it hasn’t found me, or I it. Am I doing something wrong? Am I trying too hard? Does religion/spirituality just not come that easily to certain people? Does this mean I shouldn’t care about my religious beliefs? Was I born to be agnostic or something?
To be honest, I want that intuition and enlightenment that comes from religion, from believing in something bigger than myself. I have actively pursued it…in fact I still am. I can say that I believe in “evil”, a truly negative energy that exists between our dimensions. I’ve seen it(that’s for another story). So with the existence of evil, there must be good. I whole-heartedly believe that dichotomy as well. I just want to experience it. I will let its powers manifest I suppose, when the universe feels the time is right. Maybe I’ll let you know when it happens.